This is such a personal post – ha ha ha! Possibly an example (yet another one!) of how to be totally shameless on your relationships blog! 😉
Well I guess I might soon have to stop pretending that this entire blog is anything other than an extended open love letter to my future husband, whoever he may turn out to be, or even a love letter to love itself (…and also a bit of a love letter to myself!) That was after all what my last blog post was, without any effort to pretend whatsoever, not only a love letter to my future husband, but also a future love letter to my future husband, trying to imagine what our happy union might look like some years into our marriage! However this particular post is an open letter of another kind, and it is directed at a particular individual: not necessarily the person who actually is praying for me, but rather the person who I think is praying for me! (Please Lord, let these people be the same person!) Here is the thing: while I am more than happy to let myself think that you are praying fervently for me, here are some thoughts from the other perspective, just in case you are not!
Such obvious hints.
On one hand, I have never explicitly revealed the identity of the person I believe to be responsible for these prayers. On the other hand, I’ve been dropping SUCH FAT HINTS! From these hints, assuming he reads this blog (which I obviously have to assume!) he can probably guess that I’m talking about him. So if he is not praying, I’m thinking that he might be scratching his head and thinking “Tosin…it’s not me!” (And then like a man he would not get the hint and actually start praying, right?!) Or how about this? What if I actually found a way of asking him, and he were to just stare at me blankly, and ask me:
“Why would you think I’d be praying for you?!”
Oh, mortification! I think that I would just want the earth to open up and swallow me.
“Well, erm, only because I, er, I thought you… I kinda hoped that you…Errrrr….[unspoken words: “Because you would probably be the one person I would most want to be praying for me, that’s why!!]”
First of all, let me talk about why I would be so excited if indeed he is/you are the person praying, and why I have been so happy to embrace that idea!
Trying my hardest not to reveal who this person is…:
So you meet someone, and they seem to surprisingly represent what you have been looking for, on a number of different levels.
From your attempts at subtle stalking on Facebook (although my goodness, I think Facebook has guessed, even though I’ve tried so hard to be discreet! Either that, or perhaps the stalking is not only happening in one direction???!!!) Anyway, from your attempts at subtle stalking, and from what you already know, and can piece together, they seem to speak your language regarding relationships, they seem to speak it in a way that makes sense, and they seem to want it to a similar extent; their life goals and lifestyle look both attractive and compatible with your own. Based on these things alone, you have cause to consider them with interest anyway, or at least you would if you were me!
And then on top of all these things, you start suspecting that they are praying for you. And then even from the prayer there are a few things that I can deduce. If indeed this person is praying, then I’m thinking he must be so deep in God! For me to actually be able to feel these prayers, and for the answers to come so quickly! It is as if the answers themselves are bombarding my life. After all, I pray too! These issues are things that I have often presented to God. Why is it that his prayers would be answered so quickly, as if he’s got a special “one-touch” prayer anointing?! Perhaps his heart is so much purer than mine, perhaps there are things he knows that I don’t know, or perhaps there is even more than one person praying! This is what I have always dreamed of, but never really thought possible: that someone would be so much deeper than me in God that I would actually have to look up to him! Or perhaps there are certain other exciting reasons why his prayers for me would be answered so quickly – if he is not after all spectacularly deeper in Christ than I am – perhaps this is to be some kind of “sign”! Even though I’ve written about most of these issues (that are being prayed about) on my blogs or elsewhere, I still can’t help thinking that the way these prayers are hitting my life indicates someone of extremely deep understanding of spiritual things, and deep understanding of me! This to me further demonstrates and confirms that he truly does “speak my language”, and he truly understands what I’m trying to communicate on this blog, and he understands what is going on in my heart behind the words on this blog; that he “gets” me in a way no-one else ever has done before. Either way I can only deduce positive things, and I would love to find out the answer!
Thinking then on who I think I think it is, even without the prayer, from my stalking (ha ha ha!) it does seem to me that he is on the same wavelength as me concerning relationships – and then to think that he could be praying as well! The way the prayer thing has taken off, it seems to so clearly point at him and only at him! And this was before I discovered /deduced the thing about (seeming) “emotional compatibility” in the relationship sense. So my point is that I discovered/deduced/guessed the prayer thing first, and then I discovered about the relationship thing. So it is not as if I am trying to convince myself that he is praying just because it seems we might be compatible. Actually no, there was a bit of “checking out” before the prayer thing. Whatever! (Blushes!) So someone please explain to me how I’m supposed to be thinking about anything else, and how I’m supposed to not be dropping fat hints on my blog! In my mind it all works together so well that I’m really not open to the idea that anyone else could be praying.
And yet as exciting as it would be to utterly convince myself that he is the pray-er, I have to reluctantly concede that I might be wrong. That said, because of the level of understanding demonstrated by the prayers, I honestly don’t think that there is anyone else praying. I’m thinking that either he is praying these deep sophisticated things, or God is working through his simpler prayers to enact these deep sophisticated things in my life, or God is working through my own prayers!
So here are a few thoughts then, just in case I am wrong. I want you to know that I would still care about you and want to support you in your life and in your dreams. If you were not after all praying, then that would not take away the fact that you and I seem to be on the same wavelength. However, there might not be as much understanding between us as I had thought. All these positive conclusions I thought I was able to draw about your relationship with God might not be true, and I would have to throw out all those thoughts, for the sake of creating space to see who you really are.
You might think that I have an exaggerated interest in you. And you are right. I do. However that is only because I think that you might be the one praying for me! I’m sure that you are a truly lovely person. However, there is such a difference between “a truly lovely person”, and “a truly lovely person who is praying for me”! I guess the idea that someone could be praying is what would make him sufficiently compelling for me to be acting so strangely and to be talking endlessly about it. (To be honest, my behaviour is quite “unique” relative to that of most people at the best of times. However, this is unusual behaviour even for me!) The prayer does not even have to be for me. Simply the idea that someone could be deep in prayer, a fervent intercessor, just stirs up so much respect from me! But then I have to remind myself that just because someone is a genuine man of prayer does not make him perfect. There might still be huge gaps in his faith, even in his commitment, in his character, which I might find shocking. He might still be kinda difficult, behind a sweet exterior, or possibly immensely stubborn!
“Seriously?! But I thought you prayed! How can a man of prayer also do X,Y, or Z?!!!”
To be candid, I am utterly sure that you are the one praying. I think (hope!) that you are trying to put on an act to suggest the opposite, or throw me off the scent (or is this the voice of self-delusion talking?!) Why would you do that though?! Why would someone full of truth use their behaviour to try to deny something so positive, when I can clearly see that it is them? This is the one reason why deep down, I sometimes think to myself that I might be wrong.
So basically I guess what I’m saying is this: “I know that he might not be the one praying, but I know that he definitely is the one praying…but still I’m a bit unsure!” But as things are, I’m dancing a kind of delicate dance so that my behaviour towards you might remain appropriate whether you are praying or not. You know what would make my life
somewhat so much easier? If you just came out and said something either way. But I daresay you’ve got your own rules of engagement about these things, and you’re still evaluating. Or I may already have completely failed your tests, especially with my unrestrained vitriol on my other blog! Sighs! Please take all the time you want or need. In fact, if you like, wait until the Second Coming of Christ. Why would I care?! After all, I’ve lived so long without hugs I daresay I can wait a few decades longer! (Arms crossed and glaring at screen!) But please remember that after you’ve taken all the time in the universe, I must also insist on my own “Two year thing“. (I hope no-one would ever dream of accusing me of retaliation – ha ha ha!) To be honest I quite like dancing anyway! 😉
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
Photo of Swamp Hibiscus by Bergadder on Pixabay