I really should be fast asleep just now. In fact, I find myself in exactly the same circumstance I was in earlier during the week when I was writing my “Dear Mr Someone post“. Then too, it was well past my bedtime when I finally completed the post, but…well!
Well this is the thrust of this post, and this is why it is urgent enough to stay up for:
You know what? I really have to overcome this loneliness thing – really! Things have reached a head and I’m thinking that I really have to deal with this loneliness thing before it conclusively deals with me. But how?! How Lord?! Perhaps I just really need to pray to get a solution.
Or, perhaps God has already given me countless solutions, I just need to apply them consistently, with faith. Or perhaps there is no magic bullet – or Bible verse, I just need to persevere through, just now.
By the way, this is the second edit because I started writing the first edit a few weeks ago, but then lost my inspiration, but I am not quite ready to abandon that post altogether.
You know what, there is a certain situation I’m facing right now which made me think: I really need a husband! If I’ve been joking and laughing and toying with this subject, then no longer! This man needs to materialise, and fast! (But then I’ve just realised that I’m probably also hormonal which is probably also what is making everything seem so acute just this second!)
But then I considered this following: for a husband to really be able to solve this loneliness issue, he would have to be utterly phenomenal, and our marriage would have to be essentially perfect. Yes, that is the kind of husband I am hoping to marry, and yes I am hoping to have a marriage that is absolutely excellent. But to be realistic, both my husband and I will still be flawed human beings, and I thought – well what if I am still lonely, even during my marriage?! What if it is not even due to our flaws; that is, what if we both love one another dearly, and deeply, and desperately, but that aching yearning is somehow still there? What if those feelings are just as all-consuming then as they are now? What if my marriage fails to solve the single biggest problem that I entered it to solve – but instead simply brings with it its own set of problems?
You know what, I am pretty sure that every single self-help book in the universe, as well as every teacher of the Bible, will say that you should not look to another human being to fix a problem with yourself, that you should be “whole” before you join yourself with someone else, that you should be looking not for what you can gain from a marriage, but at what the two of you can create together.
OK, let’s concede that this is true. So how do I deal with this loneliness then? Here, now? Perhaps then, when I am not being desperately driven by my own need, I would not need my husband to so be utterly perfect, but I could commit to love him for everything he is including his weaknesses, and that could alleviate some of the pressure on our union.
But that still begs the question though: how?!!!!!
I’m just thinking through some possibilities now, and I think that it might be an idea for me to keep a loneliness diary, gauging the extent of my loneliness over the course of a month, or 3, seeing how my feelings each day correlate to my monthly cycle as a woman, and perhaps from that I’ll be able to see whether this loneliness is just something I have to sit through every month.
With all that said, it would be so nice to get a hug just now!
And on that wistful note I will actually retire for the night! 🙂
(Pictures etc to follow)