Super-spontaneous post: Finally being honest with this blog, also I need to get serious about YouTube vids!

So in this post I am going to finally be fully honest. Actually, you know what? I have always been honest on this blog. Everything I have said has always been completely candid and an honest reflection of my mind at that time. Over time things I have written here have been pretty consistent. That said, the simple fact of being a human being with complex thoughts which I am constantly working out means that at times I have completely contradicted things I have previously written. Sometimes I fluctuate between varying viewpoints, but I have noticed that even within that there is a consistency to how I fluctuate, depending sometimes – ahem – on my monthly hormonal cycle!

So this post is not so much about being honest, as about finally spelling things out.
In short: I am not ready to declare that I am childfree. However, children are not in any way a driving force in my desire to get married. In fact – and this is what is crucial – the thought of having children detracts from what I dream of in marriage. What I mean is this: when I dream of marriage, what I yearn for is profound emotional intimacy, my husband and I pouring out our hearts to one another all the time, going on cool dates and trying out lots of exciting food, holding hands, cuddling, basically being totally and unapologetically wrapped up in each other, not as a foundation for having children, but rather as the end in itself. Having children would detract from this dream because of the immense amount of time and effort that children need, and the tiredness that they cause, meaning that my husband and I would have far less time to nurture our relationship, and we might often be too tired to truly invest solid time and effort into our marriage. I would rather save my time and effort to invest into my longed-for soulmate relationship with my spouse. I would say “money” too, however I don’t particularly dream of spending lots and lots of money on my marriage. However I do envisage that this relationship would take lots and lots of time.

Is this selfish? Is this an expression of modern “empowered” female attitudes? Is this anti-Christian? I need to sit down and think about it.

I would like to make it clear that I am not at all inherently opposed to having children. It might be that after a few short months, or even a year or two my husband and I decide that we would like to move forward to have children after all, and this would be a new adventure to throw ourselves into wholeheartedly. However, the “energy” (for want of a better word) of a marriage which is about expressing your soulmate yearnings is completely different from that of a marriage where you’re bringing up a family. The first one is about self-interest, and working to fulfil your own desires. The second needs a fairly selfless attitude. I believe that the foundation you need to build for your marriage will also be different depending on whether you are looking first and foremost for a soulmate, or looking to start a family.
Therefore, I would suggest that if a couple did decide to make such a switch, it is probably a good idea to work on consciously creating a foundation together that reflects this new stage of the marriage.

The one thing that gives me pause in all this is the thought of our parents, his and mine, and the fact that they would be grandparents eagerly awaiting grandchildren. Obviously no-one is getting any younger and I am sure that they would all dream of a few years of enjoying their grandchildren in good health before getting too old. I know that people might say “You need to live your life and make decisions that work for you!” However, this is one occasion where I would disagree with that sentiment.

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Additionally, I really need to get serious about shooting Huggie-Wuggie videos for YouTube! I have seen so many videos on different topics. I sincerely feel that there is real substance on this blog so I would also hope that what I have to say would come in useful for someone.