Well I shot this video a few hours ago, and edited it. Since then however I have been busy with other work and I intended to upload it tomorrow (or rather later today, as it is now Monday). However, a few thoughts occurred to me and I thought that I would go ahead to upload it after all.
I was thinking on how on one hand I have spoken a lot about my character on this blog and how much work I invest into it, and then on the other hand how on this very same blog I have revealed character traits which are far from attractive, and even downright ugly. And to be honest even beyond what I have revealed on this blog I was recognising some things within myself which honestly have always been there, which are simply dreadful. And I was reflecting on the fact that it might well be due to someone’s prayer that I am finally acknowledging these things within myself.
And you know what? It is so mortifying, not only to have bragged as much as I have, (to be fair to myself it was not really bragging, I was just trying to be candid) but then to be seen to demonstrate such ugly traits which are the very opposite of how I described myself. I am not even talking about the struggles with humility thing just now, more the venomous anger. It is a bit like those children’s cartoons – the anger has been so potent that it essentially took on tangible form to be shaped into a weapon to be used to attack people. To think that someone may have seen these attributes of mine and may have then prayed for me is so mortifying, especially if this person could potentially be a husband whom I’d rather be trying to impress. All the same I am so grateful, always grateful for people’s prayers. Prayer is my love language – actually I claim many of the love languages. It occurs to me now that prayer is possibly my favourite love language. That is, I need and love each of my love languages so much that they are essentially all my favourites, however sincere prayer I think just edges out all the others.
I cannot deny that all of this is quite humbling, and I pray that God would help me to hold on to that feeling of humility long term.
Moving forward, I hope I can honestly say that I have learned firstly how to prevent putting myself into those situations that so predictably rouse anger and frustration and other negative and evil thoughts within my heart, and secondly how to monitor my heart to recognise and weed out those evil and ugly tendencies before they get a chance to get rooted.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” – Psalm 51v10