Or, Why do I have such acute emotional needs?!
So I was sitting there just minutes ago, just casually and happily minding my own business, praying, when BOOM! I was hit with these pangs of emotional loneliness – and it was literally like the proverbial freight train. So naturally I logged into this blog to pour out my heart!
And I was asking myself, and also asking God: Why do I have such huge emotional needs?! And I thought to myself “Lord, I am actually pining! Perhaps this is what it means to be “lovesick”!” Candidly speaking, at the moment I think it’s hormonal because I’ve been thinking wistfully about friendships all day. So hopefully by tomorrow or by day after it will have subsided. Actually as those feelings hit I was despairing a bit and thinking that my emotional needs will probably be too great for any single individual to handle. By emotional needs, I mean the desire to pour out my heart, and to feel that deep level of emotional connectedness with someone. It feels utterly plausible that I could just spend all day every day just talking and expressing my heart, and saying “this is who I am!” for the benefit of someone who will have to be very patient! However if I understand that it is simply a spike of hormones then I can sit it out.
That said, I was also thinking “Lord, please help me to be patient!” The way those feelings hit, my mind immediately filled with various huggie-wuggie yearnings – holding hands, heart to hearts etc, and I was thinking “Lord, when will this thing finally happen?! How much longer, Lord?!!!” Actually, I almost called this post “Lord, I need a husband!” However, once again, if it is hormonal, then I can sit it out! And then, as I was thinking deep thoughts, I was staring down, thinking, actually fearing that I would not be able to be patient. But of course I will, by God’s grace and empowerment! In fact, the feelings have already subsided; it must have been some kind of crazy chemical spike… But you know what, I really need to follow my own advice and know my own cycle. Actually, I had always wondered how I would deal with my emotional needs if I remained single, and candidly speaking my sexual yearnings too. However if it really is all tied to hormones, and if it follows a consistent predictable pattern that corresponds with my menstrual cycle, and if I am fine the rest of the time, then I can anticipate it and sit it out. In that case, I could plausibly wait indefinitely for Mr Huggie-Wuggie to show up!
In a way – in every way – that would be good, because then I would not need to be driven by my hormones to write all these emotionally needy posts (such as this post!) At the moment this would be the one thing driving me into marriage: wanting to legitimately satisfy these yearnings in a way that glorifies God. If the heat of these yearnings was taken away then I would definitely still want to get married, but I would be able to wait. I could reasonably occupy my mind with other things until Mr Huggie-Wuggie finally showed up, dressed and ready for action!
So to be honest that is greatly reassuring, considering that I have been concerned about this for years. In fact, this is arguably a great factor behind my writing this blog in the first place: as an outlet to express some deep-felt emotional needs, in the absence of a long-suffering husband!
All that said, I think I am still going to spend a bit of time just now, allowing myself to sit and dream, wallowing in these feelings, enjoying them. I might actually pray too regarding Mr HW, praying that God would make it happen!!! 🙂