Why am I so scared…of what I want?!

Why am I so scared of what I want?!
Behavin’ like a scaredy-cat!

To my own great surprise, I have not produced many “Huggie-Wuggie” blog posts this week.  I am surprised about this because possible blog posts have been suggesting themselves to me constantly, and I have mentally outlined many posts.  To give you an idea, some of these blog ideas are “why (my husband’s) money REALLY does not make any difference to me” (now written!)- in short because I plan to have plenty of my own – “why I REALLY do not believe in playing hard to get”-  in short because… – oh you’ll have to read the post for that one! (now written!) – and also, “my REALLY determined pursuit of sexual purity….

In fact, some of my thoughts on these blog topics have helped to organise my approach to this blog – considering general issues, versus my own approach to things.

However, today,  I’m thinking that the most appropriate thing would be to consider, or ask myself – for only about the millionth time – “why  am I so scared of what I want?”  Now please understand, that I know exactly what it is that I want.  And I know exactly why I want it.  Now this is definitely not about physical things like hugs or kisses or…you know?!  But rather about emotional issues…. So why is it that I run away at the first sign that this could be an appropriate guy for me to connect with in this way?!

I have spoken to myself, analysed, sat down, told myself off countless times, and yet it’s always the same – why why why?!?!?!

I guess ultimately (obviously!) it’s because emotional intimacy equals vulnerability, and the more intimacy you desire, the greater the potential for vulnerability.  After all, my husband will have greater access to my heart and “feelings” than any one else has ever had.

I always tell myself that what is in my own heart, and my own feelings, are really not going to be very different from what is in everyone else’s heart, and even his own – “I like…. I want…I need…could you please hold my hand?!”  And yet, no matter of rationalisation (within myself) or common sense talk to myself ever seems to make any difference…
Now, as if this was not complicated enough, this is what complicates the issue yet further – that is, that I have a very powerful imagination, which sometimes gets ahead of itself.  So when someone shows up, and my mind starts flicking through…possibilities, shall we say, and it’s all looking promising in my imagination, sometimes I’ll start feeling awkward…shy….scared about what could happen, that is, about what my imagination suggests could be viable, before anything whatsoever has actually happened in reality, or even almost happened, or before anyone has said anything…

And then I have to hope and pray – especially pray – that these guys will not think that I’m indicating that I’m not interested – or even worse (much worse!)  that I’m playing games…or teasing…

I always think to myself, maybe I should just explain why I’m behaving awkwardly – he’s a nice guy – he’ll understand – and frankly I might yet explain, if things carry on at this rate!  And yet you know how guys are supposed to be the ones to talk?  I’m just scared that it will sound as I’m (how I hate these words!) “making the first move”.  Obviously I can’t then go on and deny “no no, absolutely nothing like that” , because clearly there is an element of something like that, which is why the thing is awkward…  So you see, awkward!  complicated!  confusing!  What is a girl to do?!

Bible Verses:
Proverbs 28v1:
…The righteous are bold as a lion
Lioness photo by Frauke on Pixabay
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