Half-married already! AND Expecting too much?

Sunset Beach
A beautiful beach at sunset

Post 1:  Half-married already!

Well after just writing this last post in which I desperately tried not to actually say anything of substance, this amazing thought just occurred to me: by writing this blog, I am half-married already! Well if not half, perhaps a quarter! What I mean is that this blog, specifically being able to pour out my heart, fulfils half (or a quarter, whatever it may be) of my marital needs – at least the emotional needs. So what does this mean then? That for my marriage a big, big part of that will be about just talking to him, just pouring out my heart to him, and hopefully having him just listen. I think that something I will really need in my marriage is a husband who will literally listen possibly for hours as I just talk. Considering how long my posts can be, I suspect that I may well be able to go on for hours! At this point some men may be staring at this post with big wide eyes and thinking “Woah! I don’t think I could handle that!” To that I would say this: you know, every marriage or relationship has its unique challenges. I happen to be a very deep person and I think a lot so unfortunately part of the deal for you in our marriage will be that you just have to sit there and listen to me talk, a lot. And please do not imagine that relationships would be the only thing that I would talk to you about by any means. Oh no! Unfortunately for you I think a lot about pretty much everything. I just have not established those blogs yet! At some point you will just have to decide to stop fighting it and accept that that is just who I am!

Well if this blog already fulfils a big part of my needs, then why am I still complaining that I want a husband? Well obviously it goes without saying that there are certain needs that blogs cannot fulfil, with all the best will (and most creative imagination!) in the world! But even still talking about emotional needs, it will make such a difference to be talking to someone right there, to be gesticulating, communicating even with body language, and to be looking into his eyes as I am talking, perhaps sometimes happily letting myself get distracted by the said eyes, completely losing my train of thought. What a happy thought it is that I might still be able to get distracted by looking into my husband’s eyes even after many years of marriage. And I am also thinking about being able to touch him as we talk. I don’t mean sexually. (Although…!) Or there might be times when he and I are hugging, and we’re just chit-chatting – that is a very Nigerian phrase which just means making small talk. Or to say stuff directly into his ears, to whisper excitedly and giggle, like a naughty child. Apologies, this is probably all too much information! (She blushes!)

Of course, a really big difference between a blog and a husband is the idea that my husband will actually respond back intelligently, give his own ideas, qualify my thoughts, put a different tangent to them. Or, as happens in so much of human conversation – completely misunderstand what I am trying to say! Have you ever been in one of those conversations where it is clear that the other person does not understand at all what you are trying to say, but they are trying their hardest to be polite? Oh frustration! I wonder what that could look like when filtered through the dynamics of a loving marriage. Perhaps I would sigh and say: “You’re not understanding what I am saying at all!! But please keep hugging me!” On that note, I read a newspaper post written a few months ago by a former university colleague, about his interaction with his dog. And he made the point that with the dog, as with marriage, a big percentage of the interaction is happy and well meaning misunderstanding of one another. And it made me laugh so much, because it must be so true. (If I can find the link to the article sometime, then I will post it here.)

When all is said and done, I think in practice, I will talk to/at my long suffering husband until the poor chap gets tired, and then I will resort to this blog as a backup! 🙂

Post 2: Expecting too much?

Well this is the post I expected to be writing just now, before the thoughts above occurred to me. And yet I am posting both of these together because the ideas actually feed into one another…

So for this post, it is like this.
Just today (technically yesterday!) I have congratulated not one but two couples on their 10 year wedding anniversaries! Seriously, did they get married the same day?! And these people are approximately my age! I think that at least one of these four people is younger than I am! AND they did not even get married particularly young! In fact, to have been married for 10 years is not remarkable for people of my age at all. There are some people who unbelievably are approaching 20 years – no kidding! And here I am still single, still bloggin’, still talking about two years! And I asked myself whether I’ve been a little bit overly fussy in my insistence on this characteristic or that characteristic.

Here is the thing. A big, big part of me is extremely happy at having been single over those ten years or even 20 years. I know that compared to the kind of marriage I would have been likely to have, and the global/national financial situation, and above all my own career aspirations, singleness has definitely been the best thing for me. Considering my self-employed dreams and the sacrifices I have made for those, I am not at all optimistic about what my marital financial standing would be like just now, especially if we had children. But still, ten years! And then I asked myself whether I have been unrealistic in my wishes for my marriage, regarding all the huggie-wuggie stuff, the endless emotional outpourings etc. Perhaps what these other people, wives knew is that marriage is not necessarily about all these lovey-dovey things, but rather about having someone to be there, day in day out…Which is not to say of course that their marriages are in any way lacking in lovey-dovey things. There is no way I could possibly know!

And then the thoughts above occurred to me, regarding the fact that I am “half-married already”. And you know what I have realised because of that? Each marriage is different. I am so happy for these couples and for all my other friends and family who have been married for years. For me, the only thing that would have made it feasible for me to have gotten married earlier than now is if my businesses took off earlier. And that is the simple fact for me. So there is absolutely no point looking back wistfully and thinking “Why didn’t I…?” I’ll also make the point that there was no one to marry! However, the big point for me has been my businesses. If those had been sorted out then I could have taken time out to socialise, really get out, to meet people…etc. And I know I have given 100% and beyond for these businesses, so there is no regret to expend there either. And there is absolutely nothing that could have persuaded me to abandon my business dreams for the sake of a seemingly more stable employment path – even a desire to get married, even feelings of emotional loneliness. In fact, it is largely because of my dreams of marriage and my future that I have pursued these business dreams, because it is only a certain kind of business success that would give me the freedom to invest as much time as I would love into my relationship with my husband, and any future family that God might bless us with.

Furthermore, regarding my lovey-dovey dreams: they might not be essential for everyone. However the lovey-dovey things I talk about on this blog are absolutely essential for me. These are my love languages*; I need them in my marriage as surely as I need this blog! If I did not need these things at all, then I would not need to get married! All those other things that people talk about as reasons to get married: babies, children, social status, financial stability – while these things might be good, none of these things are compelling enough to entice me to get married, furthermore I’m working to provide my own financial stability. However, with the lovey-dovey stuff, it is precisely because of these things that I need to get married, that is, that I need to get married, so the idea that I might get married but without these things does not make sense at all. These are the things such as the talking, the gazing into his eyes, the holding hands, the spending time together, the constant hugs, the sunsets. I recently posted another photo to this blog, and I realised how many of the photos here are of sunsets. I love nature deeply but even among the endless wonders of nature (thank You God!!!) there is something so poetic and beautiful about sunsets that sets them apart. Also sunrises too, if we’re going to go there, but that means getting up early! Also the sea or ocean, but that might involve relocating! I really hope the eventual Mr Huggie-Wuggie “gets” all of these things. Candidly, I hope these are also his love languages and he speaks them as fluently as I do. Honestly, I hope that he needs these things as much as I do; the hugs, the talking, the staring into one another’s eyes, so that it would not feel like too much effort to constantly be meeting my needs. Candidly speaking, I do not know, and I could not tell you why I need these things so much. All I do know and all I can tell you is that I do need them, deeply! And the things that I was reluctant to talk about in my previous post just confirm that I truly do need these things, they are not a luxury!

And practically speaking, I think it would probably be best if he is self-employed too. Because the amount of time we are going to spend talking, I don’t think either of us are going to have time to go to work!!! 🙂 I am only half-joking about this. In fact, I am not actually joking at all!!! 🙂 (Obviously I am not implying that self-employed people don’t work!!!)

*If I were to itemise my love languages (surely I’ve done this already!)  they would be:
-Physical contact, touching, hugging, holding hands
-Spending time together (which includes the talking, also the sunsets!)
-Words of affirmation;  exchanging beautiful thoughts about one another
-Gazing into one other’s eyes is not an offical love language.  However I am going to establish it here as a distinct love language, specific to me and my marriage, and anyone else who wants to use it!

I don’t need so much gifts or practical acts of service, although I would quite like a husband who pulls his weight around the house, not as a profound gesture of love but rather as a straightforward expression of common-sense!

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