Recommended relationship schedule

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1. Evaluate for character. In practice, this will be via two-yearing. This might sound like a huge waste of time, and as people get older, they might feel more desperate to “cut to the chase”. However, this would be a false economy. In my online readings, a large proportion of relationships fall apart because of character issues, and furthermore most people do not have the kind of outstanding character that would contribute greatly towards an excellent marriage. So if you were to randomly choose someone and drag them down the aisle, the likelihood is that you would be heading straight into a big mistake. Now you could ask how I know, what evidence I have, that most people don’t have outstanding character. But pleeeeeeze, let’s be candid! They don’t. They just don’t. Surely anyone who has ever interacted with people would know that! I keep reading more and more stories that leave me utterly aghast at the self-centred ways in which supposed spouses are capable of treating one another. So by evaluating for character, you are pre-empting a huge variety of issues that could potentially happen in your eventual marriage, and working to minimise the probability that such issues would happen. Trust me, you can afford those two years! Those are literally the two most important years of anyone’s marriage, before the marriage has even begun. I think that that is also the reason why the marriages of our parents’ and grandparents’ generations are thought of as being better than ours; I feel I can confidently make another unevidenced generalisation that people and society just had better character back then, especially in less sophisticated, more rural areas. They were more honest, there was more integrity, more marital fidelity, more community-mindedness, even though racism and sexism were likely to have been huge deals depending on wherever you might have lived. Am I being extremely naive in this way of thinking? Furthermore, remember that while two-yearing might sound like a big investment of time, as you are not getting emotionally involved with anyone or making a tacit promise to anyone, you can “two-year” any number of people in that time.

2. Once you have established genuinely excellent character from one individual, then you can work to find out whether there is true basic compatibility between the two of you: are you going in the same direction etc.

3. Question about genuine sexual desire; if it is already there and abundant, then obviously that is great. If not, perhaps pray to see whether this is something that God might use to bless this relationship.

4. Start talking, asking questions more intently, and with intention: where do you want to go in life,  who do you want to be?  Do you want children etc.  Obviously so many more questions!

5. If it is all looking good, then decide to get married ( I will have to cross-reference with other posts I have previously written to make sure that there are not more steps and that the steps could not be more logically ordered.)

6. Develop a strong foundation of communication, and a strong foundation for your marriage generally.  Learn how to talk, really talk, disagree, argue.  Deliberately learn how to communicate. Don’t make your eventual marital communication a matter of accident, but rather something you have worked together to deliberately, consciously and painstakingly develop.

7. Get married!

8. Dating!