This is a wall post I recently borrowed from a Facebook friend to post on my own Facebook wall:
“To all the ladies who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of biblical advice: “Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz.” While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz! #preach”
Now I posted it on my wall because I thought it was hilari-az! However, in thinking about it, it triggered my desire to write a blog post about the two first aspects listed “Broke-az and Po-az”.
I have said this a few times, I have alluded to it several times, but now I just want to state categorically once again that concerning a husband, really, sincerely his financial situation will not influence me in. the. slightest. In fact, I think I am more likely to run away from someone with money than be attracted to it. I don’t want anyone to think that I am interested in him because of his money, I don’t want anyone to think that he can buy my interest with his money (or his financial prospects in life) and I don’t want anyone to think that as a husband he would be able to control me with his money.
Now this does not mean that I am looking for anyone who is careless with money or lazy. I think that anyone who says “money doesn’t matter” must be extremely naive. As an individual, I work very hard myself and I am looking for someone who seriously understands the importance of hard work. However, you must understand that the idea of having a man to look after me financially is totally alien to the mindset that has been cultivated in me since childhood. I was brought up by my parents to aspire to be the very best that I could be, as an individual. Not once in all my childhood years did my parents ever refer to my growing up to marry a man who could adequately provide for me. I and my sisters were rather encouraged to strive for excellence for ourselves, and this is what we do! And then I went to an extremely competitive girls school where it would have been politically incorrect at best for any of the teachers (or students) to suggest that our life goals would include getting husbands to provide for us. (And then there was the whole “assertive” thing – I wonder if anyone else from school remembers that?! Put it this way, I was probably already the last person in the world who needed extra training in being assertive – yet our teachers decided it was necessary for us to learn this skill as women making our way in the male-dominated world of work, and Li’l Miss “Already-More-Assertive-Than-Necessary” became Li’l Miss “More-Assertive-Than-Ever”!)
Perhaps some of my fellow students were more “in touch with reality” all along, because some of them have indeed grown up to marry men who provide financially….I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, it just has not been my mindset!
And then through the mega-crush of uni – (all ancient history now, of course! – hee hee – it’s a Classics joke!) – not once did I consider the earning potential of Mr -Cute-but-Not-Christian.
So honestly this whole idea is so novel to me. Actually, I’ve only come across this really since I started attending Black churches (that are not pastored by my Dad!) It’s funny how this idea is SO prevalent! I was once in a Church meeting, where they said, in effect “Any woman, no matter how spiritual she is, would be moved by the financial status of a potential suitor…” and I wanted to say, “No, trust me, I would not.” If it is true of every other woman in the world, then please know, it is not true of me! (Please?! No!) It is not a matter of spirituality, (although to be blunt, I do aspire to be very spiritual). It is just completely outside my mindset. No-one ever planted this idea when I was a child, and now I am a grown-up, I find no desire in me whatsoever to adopt it.
I always think it is so cute that (serious) men run around getting jobs before they feel they can express interest in women. I often wonder – do they do this for the sake of their own self-esteem, or is it because they feel that women would reject them if they did not have jobs? If I happen to be the woman in question, then please know that this is not necessary. You do have to be excellent (and I am VERY fussy!) However, I don’t plan to measure this financially.
I think that my attitude towards a man providing financially is quite healthy, in that it doesn’t inform my perspective towards future spouses in any way. However, I wonder what other people could make of it. Does that mean that I am one of these fiercely independent women? I am not saying that “I don’t need a man”. It’s funny how people always equate “needing a man” to “wanting a husband to provide for you financially”.
This is why I think my attitude is very, very healthy
Once again, I am not saying I want a lazy man or a careless man. I want to strive after excellence in everything I do and I find that extremely attractive in someone else. I like to think I work hard. Recently, however I have been examining the examples of really excellent people, and finding that I need to raise my game, seriously, and start investing greater efforts into serious hard work. I appreciate this same hard work in other people, as well as the pursuit of excellence. However, I do not in any way measure this by the amount of money that someone has.