Remembering that the God for feminists is also the God of anti-feminists…

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Well, here’s something I’ve always said, which is glaringly obvious on thinking about it. Simply this, there is only one God. And yet there are so many of us who worship Him, all with our own outlooks on life, our own perspectives, and we all have to find meaning and worth in our relationship with Him. Many times our perspectives as Christians differ drastically, and often times they even flat-out contradict one another. The typical mindset that we as Christians have is that there is one right way to approach a situation, and unsurprisingly we tend to think that our own approach is the single correct way to approach an issue as a Christian, but this video I have posted above reminds me that there are different valid ways to be a Christian. We don’t necessarily have to convince other Christians of the rightness of our own individual approach.
So as long as each person is truly submitted to Him, no matter how they identify, God is the God of rich people, He is also the God of poor people. He is the God of people from every nation and ethnicity on earth. He is the God of left-leaning Christians (who are truly submitted to Him), He is also the God of right-leaning Christians (who are truly submitted to Him). Pertinent to this post, He is the God of feminists, and He is also the God of anti-feminists.

So let me tell you about the video above. I have fallen into the very bad habit of scrolling YouTube and watching videos while praying. Which is how I came across the video above. After lightheartedly watching for a few minutes, I stopped attempting to pray, and I focused wholeheartedly on the video. Honestly, it was everything that I expected that it would be, and indeed even more. That is, my absolute worst nightmare.

This woman, and the  advice she gives in the video above, represent what I call “Fight for your marriage” Christianity. This is a mindset where women in abusive or otherwise disappointing marriages are encouraged to hold fast, stand firm, and “fight for their marriages” through showering love on their husbands, and praying fervently. (As I write this, I realise that I don’t actually have a problem with that in particular, as such.) This is only ever an expectation for the wife. If it is the woman who is seriously erring then the husband would typically be advised leave, and no-one ever attempts to persuade men to stay in such marriages (although invariably a proportion of men will stay, of course). However, where this woman goes even further than I expected is that she explicitly blames the wife for the husband’s cheating. If a husband, cheats, then that is because the wife “opened the door” to a husband’s cheating through unforgiveness or other things. Wow. With my feminist leanings, I was flabbergasted.

Let me tell you a bit of the story. There was a woman who she gave the fake name of “Ngozi”. This is a name that I believe is from the Igbo tribe in Nigeria, ie, not my own native Nigerian tribe of the Yoruba. However, this same exact message could have been shared by a Yoruba lady, or someone from Ghana, for instance, or perhaps anywhere in Africa, as it demonstrates quite a traditional African understanding of (“Christian”) marriage.

So Ngozi found that her husband was constantly cheating on her. Sometimes he would come home very early in the morning, like 2 or 3 am. Sometimes he would not come home at all, but would rather stay out all night with those other women. And Ngozi endlessly cried her eyes out, constantly wetting her pillow. And she did everything to win back the love and admiration of her husband. She wore beautiful clothes, she tried exciting new hairstyles, she even resorted to wearing make-up, where wearing make-up is often considered unholy and “worldly” by traditional Nigerian Christians. I can’t think of a way to demonstrate that, but please just take my word for it. When I once turned up to a party in Nigeria wearing make-up, some otherwise sophisticated Aunties gently quizzed me as to whether I was “truly Born Again”. So such were the extremes to which this poor lady was driven to fully win back her husband from his adulterous ways.

But nothing worked. Because of this, Ngozi fell into such despair that she even contemplated taking her own life.

And then, literally while she was in the process of planning to take her own life,  the Holy Spirit revealed to her that she was the one who had opened a spiritual door to her husband’s cheating through unforgiveness in her heart. The vlogger explained that for other wives in similar situations the unforgiveness might not actually be directed at the husband, but perhaps at his family for failing to stop him, or siding with him in his adultery. She (the vlogger) also explained that when women suspect or know outright that their husbands are cheating, they are often tempted to play detective, trailing him etc, and then they respond angrily, throw accusations at him, and they are full of bitterness and venom. And then all that negativity around the wife actually pushes the husband into his mistress’s (or mistresses’s!) arms even more, if the mistress (or mistresses) represent peace and calm and beauty and grace and joy, but the wife only represents anger and bitterness etc.

So then the solution to all this, according to the vlogger, is to make sure that you close the opened spiritual door by ridding your heart of all unforgiveness, making sure you have forgiven your husband for all the times he may have cheated on you, or otherwise treated you badly within the marriage. And if the unforgiveness is not targeted at him, then obviously forgive whomever you need to forgive. And then pray as well, and of course by all means look good, look attractive etc.

On one hand, there is, unsurprisingly, so much that I disagree with in what this woman is saying. Firstly, chiefly, blaming the wife for her husband’s philandering ways. I don’t just mean that my personal approach to faith is different, but I believe that this is objectively wrong. I caught a glimpse of another video title posted by this lady, and the title of that video is something like: “You are the reason your husband is mistreating you.” Noooooooo.  If a husband is chronically cheating on his wife, or mistreating her, then it is the husband at fault. Yes, it is true that a wife could be provoking her husband. But outside of that, it is the husband’s fault. And this is true not because I am a feminist, but because this is the way our faith works. As Christians we are to take responsibility for our own failings, not blame others. And yet, this attitude of making the wife take responsibility for everything is so typical in Nigerian Christianity. So that is something that I flat-out disagree with.

Yet, on the other hand, surprisingly, there are some things I do agree with this woman on. Namely this: if you as a wife take responsibility in this situation, yes, deal with all unforgiveness in your heart, and pray in earnest for your marriage, then God will answer.  I am sure that there are many women in situations like these who took similar action to what is recommended, and got the results that they wanted, although it may well have taken some time.

This is what I mean when I say that God is the God of anti-feminists. This woman is what I would call an anti-feminist. Oh look, what a surprise, when she was feeling so hopeless about her marriage Ngozi (if she even truly exists) did not consider divorce, but rather contemplated ending her own life. I don’t think that the word “divorce” was mentioned even once in the whole half hour clip. This reinforces the idea that “good Christian women” never consider divorce. Suicide? Yes, quite possibly. But divorce?! Never. So what, is she subtly suggesting that as a woman it would be (should be?) preferable to end your own life than to legally separate from the man who is making it hell?

So if you as a woman are working within an anti-feminist context where divorce is just unthinkable, and you find yourself within this situation, and you look to God, and you cry out to Him, then yes, God will answer you within your anti-feminist context. You don’t need to become a feminist to receive your answer to prayers. God is big like that!

And yet, I will try to demonstrate that God is the God of feminists too!
So yes, I disagree with the vlogger that the wife needs to take the blame for the husband’s cheating. And yet, I more fundamentally disagree with the basic premises that I can deduce of what she is saying.
Firstly, one deduction is that marriage is the be all and end all for women. And yes, this is a very common mentality among Nigerian Christians, even among those who might otherwise reasonably be considered feminist. There seems to be a suggestion that once you are in the marriage, as a woman, you will or should do absolutely everything to hold onto your marriage, no matter how much your husband is mistreating you.

Furthermore, I have often come across the following mentality that as a woman you should be doing everything to get married in the first place, although that is not explicitly stated in this video, and cannot truly be deduced from this particular video.  However, it is so pervasive in Nigerian thinking that it can almost be taken as a given. So then, putting these two ideas  together this is the deduction I come up with:
As a woman, you need to do anything whatosever to win a man. Almost any man whatsoever, apparently! Certainly any man that looks reasonably decent or respectable, has a job etc. Honestly, you just have to do whatever it takes to tie yourself to any basically decent man. And then once you are in the marriage, you will also do everything possible to hold onto that marriage. So then, not only will you obviously do all the house chores, and do all the childrearing yourself, as well as possibly working outside the home, but if the man mistreats you, then you will also take complete responsibility for this, acknowledging that you must be to blame, and then spend however long it takes praying for the sake of saving your marriage.
If a man does not otherwise mistreat you, but merely leaves you to do all the hard work of cooking, cleaning, childrearing, kinkeeping etc, then you can glow with pride ladies, because you have got yourself a good man. If however, your husband is a good man AND also actively contributes towards the home, then some people will be excited for you that you have found heaven on earth. However a significant number of people will actually berate you for this, for being an ungodly woman, and accuse you of emasculating your husband. In the UK, things are thankfully different, because people realise that life is more difficult in many ways than back in Africa (while having lots of modern aids), and people will grudgingly accept that the husband often has to help out around the home or with the children.

As someone who identifies as a feminist, these are the key premises on which my own thinking is built:
Firstly, there is nothing Biblical about acting like marriage is the be-all and end-all for women. Once again this is an objective fact. So when people try it make it sound as if it is some kind of Christian duty as a woman to get married at all costs, to seemingly just about anyone, that is simply not true. However it is the kind of thing that is repeated or referred to over and over and over again in Christian circles, so much so that you almost start taking it for granted as a Bible truth, until you actually look at the Bible. The Apostle Paul actually says that he believes that women would be happier if they remained single. That is what the Bible actually says. So when society, even Christian society, is working so hard to persuade me otherwise, I do not have to be swayed. I can stand firm that singleness is a biblically viable choice.

Secondly, I will always work to have my own money. Money and financial provision are the primary thing that men typically “bring to the table” in terms of marriage. Outside of societal pressure, the thing that would be creating a sense of urgency within me to get married would be this: being in a place where I desperately need what marriage can give me. So what I did was that I analysed all the things that marriage could give, and I worked out how I might get those needs met outside marriage. If I can find robust, reliable means of getting my needs met outside marriage, then that automatically reduces my own personal internal urgency to get married. Sex is the one thing where as a Christian there is no viable way to get those needs met outside marriage. Yes, this has been difficult, I am not going to lie! On the other hand, I console myself by reminding myself that even within marriage sexual needs, especially a woman’s sexual needs, often go unfulfilled. So it is a choice between being sexually frustrated, and otherwise being free to live my own life, and make my own choices, free of abuse AND having to deal with the different challenges of marriage while likely still being sexually frustrated anyway!
To go back to money, this seems to be the crucial thing that men often seem to hold over women. So if I can work to have my own money, then

1. Firstly that will reduce my internal urgency to get married, as I will not need to find a man to provide for me.
2. Secondly I will not be as vulnerable within any marriage once I do actually get married, as I will make my money and so can make my own moves, and ultimately leave the marriage altogether if I need to.

Because I have thought through solid, holy ways of getting my needs met outside marriage, and that has reduced my internal urgency to get married, AND because I know that there is no true biblical imperative to get married, much less marry just anybody basically decent, thereby cancelling out societal pressure or external urgency, I can then afford to take my time to get married. This means that I can take my time to evaluate a man to make sure he is outstanding. There are some men I have evaluated and eventually walked away from because they were not outstanding. For each man, I do not know whether he would have cheated on me, perhaps chronically, or possibly hit me, or financially abused me, or perhaps all of the above. Or perhaps he would have been disrespectful, and inappropriately raised his voice now and then.  All I know for each man is that his character did not promise excellence and I was not going to sit around and find out just what manifestation that would take.

So if you are reading this, dear unmarried young Christian lady, please know that the choice is yours. If people are pressurising you that you need to get married at all costs, please know that this is not from the Bible. Please do not merely take my own word for it, but check out the Bible for yourself.
Are you going to be like Ngozi, taking on all the labour and hardwork in your marriage to prove yourself to be a good wife, then having to deal with your husband’s constant cheating as he brings home sexually transmitted diseases to you, even getting to the point of contemplating self-deletion when all your efforts fail? And then blaming yourself for his cheating, and praying endlessly for who knows how long until finally you start to see a shift in his behaviour?
Or are you going to consider another approach, of working hard to put yourself in a strong financial position, to give yourself the time and breathing space to choose a husband who genuinely has outstanding character, who would be happy to actively contribute to the home without feeling emasculated,  building a strong foundation with him, and looking forward to a hopefully long and happy life together? Or through your financial strength being able to remove yourself from a toxic and potentially dangerous situation if it still all falls apart, despite all your careful precautions? I know that for myself I am not particularly excited by the prospect of crying endlessly in my marriage, which is why I have rejected the anti-feminist approach.

Above all, remember that you are allowed to say “no” when a man expresses interest in you, asks you out, or proposes to you, and you don’t have to give any elaborate explanation. Even if someone looks like a good guy and is liked by everyone, and lifts up holy hands in church, and looks like a good Christian, with a good position in church, or even a pastor, you are still allowed to say “no”.

*****
So that is the end of this particular article. However, I do also need to make these following points:
1. Is Ngozi’s husband a Christian? As Nigerian Christian women, we are always told that we have to submit to the leadership of our husbands. This is biblical. And yet this supposed “leader” cannot take the spiritual initiative to deal with his own adultery, but rather his wife has to do it. Does this man understand God, or the Bible or Christian character at all?! And yet he still presumes leadership?!

2. Christian men: Many Christian men that I have come across in the church have apparently grown up with this anti-feminist thinking in the church, to the point where they almost take it for granted. As part of that, they apparently assume that I too, as a well-brought up Christian woman, also think this way.
So they additionally assume that because they are basically respectable, I as a Christian woman will be doing anything reasonable to win them in marriage. And then once we get married I will of course undertake to do all the work involved in managing the home and bringing up the children. And I will also embrace a “fight for my marriage mentality” when they serially cheat or otherwise abuse me. And I will also possibly accept their poor behaviour as my own fault for which I need to take responsibility. And in all this, they will still act as if they as the man are doing me the favour.

The truth is, men are often socialised to think that they “are the prize”. Automatically, invariably, irrefutably. So they often think that all they have to do is just bring themselves into the marriage, with their character, into which they have not necessarily invested any effort whatsoever, and which will accordingly be awful, often, and they are still automatically doing their wife a favour. So they will of course usually vet carefully to make sure that a potential wife is house-trained, disciplined, hardworking – all the things that they don’t necessarily think have to apply to them. And then it is usually when a woman is knee-deep in house chores and child rearing and managing her husband’s different character flaws that it will suddenly occur to her how untrue it is he is doing her a favour. The fact is that it is widely documented that it is men who benefit largely from marriage. They are the ones who live longer and have better health outcomes as a result of being married, and they also fare better financially.  Whereas married women on average have shorter lives and report less happiness and also do worse financially than their single counterparts. So how on earth can men imagine that they are doing us a favour by inviting us into this union which typically leaves us worse off than if we’d simply remained single? If we as women are the ones bringing all our energy to slave over your homes and children, while also having to navigate your various indiscretions, often giving up our own dreams and talents, even committing to submit to you, then we are the ones unquestionably doing you the favour!  Hello?!

There is actually a particular individual that I am having to interact with just now who seems to think this way, that he is automatically “the prize” simply by virtue of being male.
[I did previously write out a whole paragraph about this man. But on reflection, as this is a live situation, it is probably wisest not to speak of him. Additionally, I have not known him for two full years, so I cannot speak definitively of his character.]

Let me tell you instead of another man whom I previously came across in a church, who apparently also considered himself the prize. I was interacting with him both as a leader in the church and as a potential love interest. Ironically I did not get to know him for two full years either. Yet I considered the one year of active evaluation to be sufficient. His character was so underdeveloped that I left the church only 1 and a half years after joining, and yes, he was largely the one who drove me away!  The problem in that church was that the Pastor had elevated this man to a central position that his character was not strong enough to sustain. So even where the door to romance had conclusively been shut,  remaining in that church would still have necessitated exposing myself on an ongoing basis to that poor character. Sometimes, Christians, even Pastors, act like the Bible, and Bible teachings are just a collection of platitudes to which we as Christians simply have to give mental assent. However investment in character is something tangible, quantifiable, measurable. Lack of tangible investment in character on the part of a leader will undoubtedly show itself in church. I believe that this is one big reason why so many people are leaving church all over the world, because lack of true investment in character has led to poor behaviour, to the point where it is simply dangerous and untenable to remain in church, where church should be a place where people feel safe. These stories are so widespread across different churches that people are starting to realise that no church is safe, which is why many people have left the Church, even the faith, altogether. I too have realised that, which might be why I am so paranoid about my current church, knowing that where poor character exists, it will invariably express itself in something bad.

So yeah, in that other church, that man’s character was underdeveloped, undercooked, for the role that he was playing in the church. And yet, he still smirked in this unmistakable “I’m the man, so I’m the prize way”. After leaving the church I eventually blocked him on Facebook. Well guess who has apparently created a new profile and started showing back up on my Facebook account again as someone I might know?  It appears that despite his smug conviction that he “was the prize”, years after I left the church and had any interaction with him whatsoever, he is still trying to check out my life.  Apparently I still represent someone interesting that he would like to find out about, while he to me still represents someone I would like to keep as far away from as possible, with no interest whatsoever to find out whatever might be happening in his life. Yeah, let’s go there, with all the hard work that I invested into that church, unpaid, and the character which I had worked hard to build, there was never any question about who was truly the prize between him and me.  (From the low number of friends that we have in common, I know that he probably checked out my profile. If you share a large number of friends with someone, then Facebook can mathematically work out that you are likely to know that person too. However if the number of friends you share is much lower, then Facebook is not going to somehow magically guess that you know that person. The internet and its algorithms work on maths and data, not magic!)

Believe it or not, I have a few other stories like this involving men of underdeveloped or poor character continuing to extensively seek me out years after I interacted with them, while I continue to keep as far away from them as I can. From this, what is to be deduced about which gender truly needs the other, versus which gender is truly doing a favour to the other, which gender is truly the prize?  Or perhaps I and my thousand per cent energy are just atypically special!