This is the second part to this post. The first is available here
So what exactly about him was it? Honestly, to this day, I could not categorically say. Where did these all-consuming feelings come from?!! I was literally, sitting down, casually minding my own business, the LAST person in the universe who would have gone to uni with the slightest hope or expectation of getting a husband – in fact when I went to uni, I was still secretly hoping that I could be a child for ever, and never have to grow up – when suddenly I was assailed by these relentless feelings which totally refused to go away. And yet absolutely nothing happened. Seriously there were no talks, no discussion, NOTHING.
My one saving grace at uni, despite the magnitude of these feelings, was that I was unbelievably shy, but only with guys and only regarding these issues. Please understand that I would rather have boarded a space shuttle and flown to the other side of the universe than admit to anyone, absolutely anyone that I fancied him, let alone someone who was not a Christian. Frankly, I was so shy that even if it had been a different guy, a Christian, someone whom I could feasibly have married, who had admitted first that he liked me, even if my feelings had been exactly the same, I would still have run away. People always find it hard to believe that I ever had issues with shyness. For instance today I write different blogs, I ran a Youtube comedy channel with my sister, I put myself “out there”, I challenge different doctrines and even world-renowned pastors, “without blinking an eyelid.” However as a child, I used to be shy almost to the point of being pathologically shy – but I totally grew out of that in secondary school. The only thing that remained and refused to go, no matter how logically I lectured myself etc, was this irrational fear of guys EVEN IF THE GUY LIKED ME AS WELL! How strange was that?!
So with him, nothing happened. Nothing upon nothing upon nothing happened. (Beyond a thousand million looks, of course! So while I never admitted it, he obviously could work it out for himself…- and when I recently wrote about “staring deep into one another’s eyes” and why I would avoid that before marriage, please believe me that I was speaking from experience…) Seriously, I can say that this is someone that I never even accidentally brushed against in any way, because I was so aware of him that if we came even as close as a metre to one another, I would have started shaking uncontrollably. What I am ashamed of regarding him is that I was so rude. I would blank him completely. I barely exchanged any words with him. I physically ran past him at least twice, when we were clearly going to the same place, where the normal and friendly thing to do would have been to talk with him as we walked down. The one time I spoke to him, I attempted to justify my behaviour, and then I opened my mouth and lied, which only made things a hundred times worse. While he was unfailingly gracious(at least at first – until he started catching my behaviour! And then I thought – “Oh great! Now I’ve even managed to corrupt him!”) Oh the shame!
So you know for ages I have known that I owe this guy a serious apology – but how to do it? These feelings were so intense – I cannot play with them, I cannot casually allude to them, I cannot even laugh it off that this was a long time ago. This was someone I just cannot be friends with for the rest of my life. I cannot add him as a friend on Facebook. I just have to keep a nice wide berth. If I could I would say “Please don’t hate me! Please don’t feel awkward around Black women because of me….! I know you might think that I hate you, but that was part of the lie! OK, admittedly there was that too, but I am totally over that by now!”
And then there is the even bigger question of faith. This guy was not a Christian. I ask myself – “Tosin, how could your actions possibly have been calculated to bring him closer to Christ?” As he watched me being totally rude, and lying, surely this could only have been the biggest turn-off…. So when I’m writing out these words, I always think that there is at least one person who is entitled to laugh very sarcastically when I talk about my ideals and my striving for high standards.
So yes, that was Guy No 1!
But you know what, it is because of him that I have made up my mind that I HAVE to be crazy, like totally crazy, about my husband. People might look at this account of this non-relationship, and think “Infatuation!” Well you know what, if that was infatuation, then there is going to have to be a great deal of this same infatuation in my eventual marriage, and I am not going anywhere without it! (Tosin crosses her arms and glowers angrily like a naughty child…) It is also because of all of this that I know I am not immune to adultery, let’s be blunt, and I can never deceive myself that I am in any way immune. But it was also after all this that I made up my mind, that by the grace of God, I must NEVER, NEVER make a guy-shaped mistake. That includes pre-marital sex, and it also includes adultery after marriage. But you know what, it also includes marrying the wrong guy. All of these are just too costly. That is why I am SO CAREFUL with guys. And yet, and yet… Tosin sighs – let’s go on to Guy No 2!
9 How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.