In which Tosin…
I am very conscious of the fact that I might give the impression that I am perfect, or that I think I’m perfect regarding guys and relationships. This post is to correct that impression on 2 counts. Firstly, I am not perfect (although yes, I do strive for excellence) and secondly I don’t think I’m perfect, although I do know I strive for excellence. I am a little wary of giving Too Much Information but as a quick summary firstly, absolutely nothing happened, nothing almost happened, but if I was ever in danger of thinking I was “perfect” before, or rather that I was not susceptible to the usual dangers associated with cute guys – I certainly don’t think that now! That’s part of the reason why I am now so careful with everyone! So I am not sitting here writing all this because I am somehow beyond all this. I write this blog as someone who is very, very human to other people who I know are also human. If ever I say “Take to your heels and run!”, it’s not because I don’t understand the way these feelings things work. Please trust me, I do, as much as anyone else who has ever had a crazy crush. And I also think, that sometimes reading my blog you would be forgiven for thinking that I don’t really like guys – but please believe me that honestly, seriously, that is not true!
These situations where nothing happened involved 2 very different guys, years apart, and ahem, neither of them Christians. At which point someone might be shooting me evil thoughts from the other side of the city, or of the country, or of the continent. OK, I know that one was not a Christian at all, the other one may have claimed Christian faith, but at least he would not have been the kind of Christian that my husband needs to be. Oh dear, this “Christian” thing is awkward now, and it was just as awkward then! To be blunt, I was INSANELY attracted to both of these guys. And even when I say “but nothing whatsoever happened”, I am just so grateful to God – it’s only by the grace of God that I can say that, because seriously – wow!
In fact, I still owe one of these guys an unbelievably big apology – because my behaviour was seriously, seriously atrocious and abominable, and utterly rude… If you were to read this blog, or my other blog, Tosin’s Bible Blog, then whenever I talk about myself, I talk about how I strive for Christlikeness and purity, and I pray, and I have made it my business to strive after Christ and God in every way. And that is totally true and sincere. And it was even true back then, at uni. But to this guy, I did not display excellent conduct at all. I opened my sanctified, holy, mouth, and I totally lied. My goodness, I even inadvertently played the race card. I NEVER play the race card. It’s just not my style – it never has been, it never will be.
I sometimes think, “Tosin, get over yourself, neither of these guys are reading your blog.” They probably barely remember who you are…. (after all, you know what guys are like….) OK yes, but even so, I am posting this apology here just in case there is the teeniest, weensiest chance that he may see this – that is Guy No 1. Guy No 2, I think we both know that I do not need to apologise to you (any further…)! (Well how do I know which one I was, 1 or 2 – well were you at uni with me? No? Then it’s unlikely that you’ll be 1, isn’t it! Tosin rolls her eyes….) So anyway, back to Guy No 1 – genuinely I am SO sorry. All I can say is that I am SO sorry.
OK, if nothing happened, this is what actually did happen:
Guy 1: I was SO RUDE to him, while he was unfailingly gracious to me. Once again, I don’t want to give out too much information about this (Tosin winces into her hands). In the ultra-committed Christian family that I was brought up in, it was drummed into our ears non-stop that God was absolutely everything, and we did not have to be told that we were not even to look at guys who did not share our faith. And then naturally, I had to go and develop this insane crush on this guy who was so emphatically not a Christian. And something you need to appreciate about my uni – it was filled to the brim, literally, with passionate and active Christians, most of them male. I spent my uni years literally running around from church meeting, to house fellowship, to Christian Union. And I met literally hundreds of Christian guys – no exaggeration. So you’d think, that if I was to choose anyone to lose my head over, I would at least have had the sense to choose a Christian! But naturally, that would have been too easy! So then, right from one end of uni right through to the other end….
Why him? I have so often asked myself – “Why him? What exactly was it about him…” I know it was not a looks thing – not because there was anything at all wrong with how he looked, but frankly, the most handsome, best looking guys at the uni were actually Christians. I’m thinking of two in particular. One of these was so physically attractive, and a semi-professional athlete (I hope I have not revealed too much there!) Naturally, I did not even look at him for a second – so clearly I am not all that superficial! The other one was tall, dark, and into prayer. Did I spare even a glance in his direction? OK, actually, one or two glances, but nothing compared to the millions I lavished upon our non-Christian friend. And it was not because I was in any way a tepid or lukewarm Christian at the time, either. I have made a few extra determinations concerning my Christian walk since then, but generally, as I am committed now, so I was then. If it had been anyone else who admitted that they fancied a non-Christian, believe me that I would have been the one, not merely shouting, but even screaming the loudest. “What do you mean you like him? BUT HE’S NOT A CHRISTIAN! What part of this do you not get?! HE IS NOT A CHRISTIAN! END OF STORY!”
2 Corinthians 6v14:
14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?