This is the second part to this post. The first is available here
As I write this, it occurs to me that this might be the reason why I have failed to be truly attracted by some Christian guys, even where these Christian guys apparently have “ticked all the right boxes” in terms of faith, career etc. I’m not going to deny that these guys are attractive to a certain extent, in that safe, friendly Christian way. However that is not the kind of attraction I’ve been holding out for, and these guys do not particularly move me. It also occurs to me as I write this that this Huggie-Wuggie thing is the real force behind attraction for me, despite having my “official” list of desired characteristics in a mate, full of good and proper Christian attributes like holiness and pursuit of Christ.
As I write this, I also have to acknowledge to myself that this is probably also the reason for those times when I have been attracted to non-Christian guys. As I write this, and think back on the guy I liked at uni, and then the other guy I liked a few years ago, I sincerely don’t think that either of them actually did have a high huggie-wuggie quotient. This is not a criticism of either guy, it was just the way they were, and to be clear neither of these crushes ever actually materialised into relationships in any way whatsoever. All the Huggie-Wuggie compulsion was from my own side, and existed exclusively in my own head. I’m thinking that if someone with a low huggie-wuggie quotient married someone with a high huggie-wuggie quotient, even with all the patience in the world, Mr Low-Huggie-Wuggie quotient would eventually get fed up with Mrs High-Huggie-Wuggie quotient. On the other hand if I were to marry someone who was not as high on the huggie-wuggie scale as me, I would feel emotionally unfulfilled and thereby dissatisfied with my marriage, no matter how happy our marriage might be otherwise. (If however, he is a lot higher than me, like those other spouses I have already mentioned, I might also find him clingy.)
However there is certainly one guy I have met who does seem to be on a similar level to me. It is probably not wise to refer to this particular guy, even in an oblique way. However, I’m thinking that this is why I have also struck a chord with him – because he is also on that same level, and he gets it; even if unconsciously, he understands what I mean.
On the same wavelength
I have to be careful to not put forward a theory, and then immediately behave as if it is already proven to be true. However, I’m thinking that this might help to explain, something I’ve always instinctively felt about relationships. When I was younger, as a child and as a teenager, I always used to assume that in a relationship (or a friendship) it would all come together so instinctively, (yes, I instinctively felt that relationships would work instinctively!), that both of you would automatically know what to do, both of you would automatically know what to say, without having to explain to the other person how to interact with you. I also used to think that the relationship would feel more authentic because it would come so naturally. It would just feel as if it was meant to be. And then as I grew older I realised that you have to work at relationships, you have to explain yourself, you have to talk endlessly and consciously make an effort to grow together. Now however as I write this, I’m revisiting that old understanding of relationships. I’m thinking that there might be some validity to that type of understanding after all. I’m thinking that if you both have that same high huggie-wuggie quotient, then to a certain extent you both naturally speak the same language in relationships. You understand just what can be communicated in a hug, a touch, a caress…a whisper. No party has to sit down and try to explain to the other what it means, or “how it makes them feel”, because the other party also instinctively gets it.
This I believe, is true not just of couples who both have a high huggie-wuggie quotient, but of couples where both spouses naturally speak the same “love language”. This means that you express and receive love in the same way as one another. For some people this will be through spending time together, for some people this will be through exchanging gifts (of monetary value – the idea of this only moves me negatively – shudder!) So often, problems in relationships can occur where people express and receive love in different ways to one another, so they don’t naturally flow. However if you do speak the same language, then you more naturally “get” and appreciate one another. Or at least this is what I think
As I write this, I’m thinking: “Yeah, actually, I do want that!” There is just no way I am going to struggle through with a guy who has not got the same huggie-wuggie quotient as me – I’m not even going to try to make the effort. Some guys for instance hug, but hug empty, because they just are not “there”, they do not appreciate apparently what can be communicated through this medium. That said, I’m thinking that finding someone with the same high huggie-wuggie quotient might propel you into the relationship. However there might be other factors which might then make you want to run out of that same relationship. It may be that a more enduring relationship might be built with someone who does not naturally speak this same language. This other person might have better character and other attributes which ultimately make them easier to live with. In that case, this might be what makes it worth it to persevere with someone who is not naturally on that same huggie-wuggie level as you.
Also with friendships
This deep emotional thing is not exclusive to my interaction with guys – not by any means! I am also this way with female friends, even with non-romantic male friends. I am always that kind of person who wants to go deep immediately, who wants to have long heartfelt conversations (to write implausibly long letters – I of course mean emails! – and blog posts!) I hope that understanding this about myself would help me to better understand how to interact with people generally, and how to choose between potential candidates for Mr Huggie-Wuggie! (Not that there is a huge line of guys queuing up just now – ha ha!) 😉
8 Now it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked through a window, and saw, and there was Isaac, showing endearment to Rebekah his wife.
Image of lovers by Mikuratv on Pixabay