Well today I had been planning to write a post about my personal conviction about the power in getting to know someone for two years before exploring the idea of a relationship with them. However, as I write this, the arguments involved feel a little too sophisticated for my present state of mind – it is quite an intellectual thing, so today instead I am going to write about something else I’ve been thinking a lot about – which is more from the heart, and is about having a high huggie-wuggie quotient. (UPDATE: August 2014: This other post is now also written, and is available here.)
So here’s the thing: I used to think that everyone had the same capability, or nature, in huggie-wuggie terms, that it was only a matter of finding that huggie-wuggie streak in the person. And then at the same time I also assumed that people whose marriages were not very expressive in huggie-wuggie terms, had simply chosen to focus on other aspects in choosing their marital partner. For this reason, I had always secretly looked down on such people and their marriages, as if they knowingly chose social status, for instance, over “real love”. By “real love”, I of course mean having the kind of marriage where you are always talking deeply and earnestly, and sharing heart-to-hearts – and hugging endlessly too, naturally!
However, a few months ago, I was thinking to myself, and I realised, with a flash (to be honest, it was a couple of months ago so I can’t really remember how I realised – I vaguely think that it was with a kind of flash!) Anyway, I realised – somehow! – that this simply is not true. Some people, like me, have a very, very high huggie-wuggie quotient, and some people – simply do not. (And then I also thought to myself, “Well I think I have a high huggie-wuggie quotient – but maybe I don’t! Maybe it is actually quite average, possibly even low, and maybe there are people out there who utterly dwarf me in this respect! At any rate, for the purposes of this blog post, I am going to assume I have a high huggie-wuggie quotient! And then there is also the fact that there is of course absolutely nothing scientific about the term “huggie-wuggie quotient” – which I have just happily made up myself!) And so I realised – finally – that my task is not to find some guy, and manage to squeeze out huggie-wuggie characteristics from him, where they don’t naturally exist. Rather, my task is to find someone who is also naturally like this, and whose huggie-wuggie level is the same as mine, who also naturally yearns for these things, and values these deep conversations. And that to me was an amazing relevation, although I’m suspecting that it should have been a little more obvious to me.
That said, I guess it adds yet another element or factor of difficulty to the whole task of finding someone. Now not only does the guy have to be pressing forward in Christ, and aspiring after similar things to me, but he also needs to be on that same level huggie-wuggie wise.
Thinking about it, I’m wondering whether that could be the hidden issue when some people describe their partners or spouses as being clingy. Perhaps the issue is that there is a disconnection in their huggie-wuggie quotients, that their spouse has a very high huggie-wuggie quotient, and deeply craves that emotional intimacy, whereas they themselves do not have the same deep craving, and therefore they do not understand why it should be necessary in their spouse. Could this be the issue with you and your spouse? If your spouse is always wanting to talk, and take things deep – and pour out their heart – it could be that! And it is not just a girl thing either – I know that many women also complain about their spouses being “clingy”.
For the benefit of those people who do not have a high huggie-wuggie quotient, I’ll explain what this means to me. For people like me, the relationship is an end in itself. Being able to communicate deeply with your spouse, to spend hours doing nothing but talking, apparently achieving nothing constructive – all of that is an end in itself, for the sake of the emotional intimacy it brings. For other people however, from what I’ve seen, they communicate deeply with one another for the sake of solving whatever issue is presenting itself. The marriage might be valuable to some extent for its own sake, but more, far more, (it seems) for what it empowers these people to achieve – to have children, to attain financial security, a certain social standing. For me, I sincerely don’t care about these things. I would love to one day have children with my husband after he finally shows up and after we have finally become united in marriage. However for me, first and foremost, the marriage is valuable in and of itself.
This is something that complicates this issue. The fact that at first, early on in a relationship, from what I’ve gathered, many people display – or fake – a high huggie-wuggie quotient. But then, as time goes on, many of these people expect to “just get on with it” – put all those lovey-dovey things to the side, and live their lives. And I’m thinking that it might be at these times that these people, in frustration or exasperation, start to regard their spouse as clingy, because their spouse is still demonstrating those deep huggie-wuggie tendencies, that they would have expected them to have gotten over, by that point.
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.