Spontaneous Sunday (Monday) post, no video yet :(

So today I have as yet not been able to create my Sunday video, for quite good reasons. However, something occurred to me which I wanted to share spontaneously.

There is an event which happened many years ago which has been filling me with all manner of negativity, which I just have not been able to shake. I have analysed myself so much regarding this issue to try to get an understanding of it. And yet I just have not been able to understand it, to finally let it go. Until now. It finally occurred to me that what is afflicting me is an ego explosion – again. It almost invariably is. Actually no, I was able to work out that it was an ego explosion. I just could not indentify what exactly it was about the circumstances that triggered such a huge, unending crisis in my thinking.

And now that I have hopefully worked it out, I hope that I can now humble myself to embrace a new healthier way of thinking, and put the whole ego explosion behind me once and for all. I guess that what is especially difficult about the situation that triggered all of this is because it requires ongoing humility in my mind whenever I think about it. I have to learn to systematically humble myself whenever the issue crosses my mind. The situation only exists in my mind just now but I need to give myself some mental closure, which I’v really been struggling with. Every time I tried to mentally close the issue up would pop the issues again and my ego would angrily spring up yet again and…yeah.

This situation has for a long time inspired such an ugly reaction from me in my mind. I cannot deny it whatsoever. You know, I would be utterly mortified if my future husband caught me having an ego tantrum about this, or about anything else. This is because I will of course be doing my best to persuade him that I have a sweet and gracious nature. And I do, for many situations. All the same, there are some, like these, which push me beyond the limit of my understanding, and far beyond the limits of my patience, and then all the negative traits just come flooding out.

And yet I genuinely want to deal with this, and other things which provoke this angry, ugly reaction within me. Firstly I want to deal with it for myself, just for the sake of being able to live in true peace. Secondly, pragmatically speaking, I also want to deal with it for the sake of getting married. No-one needs to tell me that this is deeply unattractive so obviously I don’t want to bring all this to my husband. So I am working on it so that God’s Holy Spirit can thoroughly cleanse out my heart, and I can put all the anger and disdain away from me, and I can confidently bring myself to a future husband knowing that I have worked through the big issues, and everything that he will have to discover about me will be largely beautiful with only a few minor, unavoidably human niggles remaining!

And then, if Huggie-Wuggie himself should ever have an ego meltdown, I can just wear an air of shocked innocence, and act as if I could never imagine being pushed to such a level of angry ego myself! The mere idea of that makes me laugh, but don’t worry Huggie-Wuggie, I would not actually do that. Rather I hope that you can trust me to be completely transparent about this particular failing, and for the failings I cannot be transparent about because they are just too embarrassing, all the same I would not pretend. I honestly think that pretending to be better than you are is something that would so easily jeopardise a marriage, as one party might feel less than if they know that they are so imperfect and yet their partner self-righteously acts as if they are completely perfect (and reminds them of all their imperfections). This is especially true if perhaps many of the supposedly perfect partner’s sins occur exclusively within their mind, without ever being expressed outwardly in any way, so that they could plausibly pretend to be all but perfect.
As an example, were it not for my blogs, and for the rants I get into with people, because of my smiling and genuinely joyful nature, no-one would know, I’m sure that no-one could reasonably guess that I cultivate such angry thoughts about so many people, so relentlessly. That said, I do rant about it a lot, even in person. Even with complete strangers: “And then I went to this church, and they were so bad!”

I think that being able to be honest about your failings with your spouse, to a deeper level than with anyone else, would cultivate a sense of vulnerability, and enable you to build trust, as well as a sense of intimacy that is so precious because it is so exclusive to the pair of you, which is exactly what we all want in marriage. At which point someone is going to remind me that I also have a tendency to be self-righteous, and unapologetic in that. Er, yeah that is also something I have to work on!!!