This is the second part to this post. The first is available here
So what difference then do you think that marriage is going to make to who your husband is? Let me tell you – absolutely nothing. The only difference it is going to make is to you – because you are now going to be stuck – or tied or sewn, or bound, or glued or “yoked” – for the rest of your life, to him and his philandering ways (unless you divorce, which can never really be a life aim). Imagine this – if your husband were to come to you crying about the latest “mistake” he’s made. And who is going to have to put up with it? You, that’s who. Or you might even be blessed if he considered it a cryable offence. Imagine if you were to catch them in the act (perhaps on your very own marital bed…) and he were to just shrug and say “You knew who I was before you married me.” And this, then is the man that you are currently desperately trying to force into a lifelong bind with you? And this of course is assuming not even that he is asking you for it, but would “only” happily take it from you if the situation arose, and is not taking sufficient pains to make sure the situation does not arise. Imagine now if a man is actually pressurising you for sex – so you’re going to say “No, no, you must marry me” – is that your plan? If he is pressurising you now, do you think he would throw off a lady who later flings herself on him? No, ladies – do you need me to shout at you?! NO NO NO! When a lady manages to get a guy like this to marry her, I always suspect that she must feel so clever. “He was trying to pressurise me into sleeping with him, but I prevailed in the end, and I insisted that he should marry me!” or “I managed to tame the player!” You know how that sounds to me? Like this: “Look at this huge idiot that I managed to unescapably tie my life to forever! Am I not clever?!” or “I went out and looked for the biggest idiot that I could find – and I made him marry me! What a cunning genius I am!!!”
So then, frankly ladies, if someone is pressurising you sexually, or not taking every step to promote absolute sexual purity in your relationship, please ladies, listen to me, listen to your future, DUMP HIM! DITCH HIM! DON’T EVEN LOOK BACK! Unless you are happy with the thought of your husband possibly fathering a number of children outside your marriage, or the thought of his reckless adultery (and his possibly exposing you to the risk of sexually transmitted diseases….) RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!
After initially writing this post, it occurred to me that someone might not be explicitly be pressurising you for sex, but rather he might be pressurising you to put yourself into a risky situation where sexual mistakes are more likely. For instance he might be pressurising you to come to spend some time at his place, where the two of you will be alone, or he might be asking you to come away with him. When you protest, because you don’t feel comfortable, he might say “Don’t you trust me?!” Or he might say “I just want to spend some quality time with you!” So the point is that sex might never be mentioned – and yet he is still trying to pressurise you into doing something in which you feel uncomfortable. If you ask me, this essentially still boils down to the same thing, even if he genuinely is not thinking about sex at all. I would still ditch him; I would still advise you to ditch him, and to instead run away as fast as you possibly can. I cannot think of any wise man who would pressurise a woman into doing what she feels uncomfortable with in a relationship – even if if what he is requesting is completely innocent. Instead wise and considerate men respect it when their girlfriends or wives say “No”. Or he might say “If you loved me…” My sisters, never let him say this to you again. Just ditch him right there and then – or wait until you are a safe distance away. This is emotional manipulation, not what you want in a husband at all. What it boils down to is that he is trying to get you to potentially throw away your entire future for the sake of gratifying his own desires in that moment, without making any corresponding commitment to you. The truth is that if he loved you, he would not dream of asking you to potentially ruin your future this way.
If someone tried this with me, I would say “Well as it happens, I don’t love you…I love myself! I love my future! I love my future children! Now please move out of my face, joker!” (I would not try this in a private place – actually, in person I am just too polite to ever actually say anything like this.) However, it is unlikely that someone would try this with me…because they know they would never be able to get away with it. The sad truth is that guys size up women to estimate what they might be able to get away with for each woman. I also avoid this situation by refusing to go out with anyone I’ve just met, but rather carefully evaluating someone’s character in a non-threatening environment for an extended period of time before I would let myself go anywhere near him romantically.
But Tosin, you don’t understand… I do love him…we’re in love…. OK, so how desperately in love do you think you would feel if you knew you had been not only one hundred percent, but even one thousand percent faithful, and yet you still tested positive for something nasty and itchy – or even deadly? If because of his deep love – not only for you – but for women in general – you found you would not easily be able to have children, as can be the consequence with some “silent” STDs (Because you as an individual live in purity, and you trust your husband, you don’t even think of getting checked until it is too late…or the issue only shows up when it has already progressed enough to cause you to have trouble conceiving)? Think how overflowing your feelings for him would be if you caught his amorous text messages to another woman – perhaps even criticising you – or promising to leave you. These are not exaggerations. These are things that every day, real women have to face around the world. Love can come at a very high price. The fact that someone is – or claims to be – a Christian does not necessarily have the slightest influence on his behaviour. So if you want someone who behaves like a Christian, then er, you have to look for someone who behaves like a Christian!
2 Timothy 2v22:
22 Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.