Well after what seems like months of not quite getting around to writing a post, I am in exactly that kind of mood where I know I should not be writing a Huggie-Wuggie post. That is, that kind of dreamy state where I allow my common-sense to be overridden, and I release myself to thinking how lovely it would be to have a husband! I was just imagining that kind of scenario where such an easy and free relationship would exist between my husband and me, that I would just crack a joke, and the two of us would laugh and finish it off with a spontaneous and friendly hug at the same time. And it would just come so freely and naturally. Ah, hugs! (Warning – I suspect that this is one of those posts that will not really go anywhere! – In fact, I’ve already run out of things to say!) Ah yes, that was it! This was a practical demonstration in my mind of what it would look like to be both best friends and lovers with your husband at the same time! My imagination is so powerful to me! I have to be able to see things before I can understand them and then try to put them into practice in my own life. And this is one thing that has always stumped me! That is, the question of how to combine the romantic aspect of your relationship with the friendship aspect of your relationship. Perhaps my difficulty is because both of these are very strong ideas for me and I value my friendships so much that I never wanted to jeopardise any of my strong friendships with men by introducing the awkwardness and uncertainty of romantic questions.
Does anyone else have difficulty with this, or is it just me?! In a way, it feels like trying to combine oil and water! As crazy as this may sound, I think that I would actually find it easier if I somehow tried to compartmentalise the thing (I may have said this before already – I know I’ve already thought it!) – and sometimes treat him as my best friend and have “best friend days” – and then also have “romantic days”! Perhaps my difficulty is because I have gone and filled my head with all the wrong books! I think of friendship as being transparent and open and talking, and being comfortable around one another, and laughing out loud, teasing one another, knowing one another inside out. There is something so unspeakably attractive about that. But then in some ways my thoughts about romantic relationships are the opposite in that I always think that there should be something a little mysterious about a romantic relationship. But that is probably a lie I’ve imbibed. Perhaps another lie is this: that between a husband and wife who are passionately in love, all their thoughts towards one another are always romantic, or sexual (As I say, I’ve definitely been filling my head with the wrong books!) But perhaps it is not like that at all! Perhaps it is that most of their thoughts towards one another are actually about friendship, and cooperation, and mutual admiration, and being able to be vulnerable with one another, and trying to make one another laugh, and always looking forward to sharing different thoughts with one another – some of those thoughts profound, some of them gloriously silly. And then of course they do happen to be strongly attracted to one another so that even in their hugs or their looks that they share all these positive feelings towards one another are expressed: I love to make you laugh, I love it when you make me laugh, being in your arms feels like the safest place on earth (which is such a cliché, but still it should be true between husband and wife!)
All of this is really obvious, isn’t it?! So RIDICULOUSLY obvious! And yet I guess it is the kind of thing that comes not from reading books, but from real-life experience.
This is why two years might be important in this: (that is, taking a full two years to get to know someone before considering him romantically.)
As I said, today I was dreaming and sighing over this hugging thing. So for me, and I suspect for many people, the feelings are already there, waiting and eager to be unleashed. So then, the temptation might be to prematurely “unleash” these feelings towards someone as soon as they appear to fit the part. Earlier in this post I wrote that I have to see something before I can do it. Well I have already created such a vivid “hugging” backstory in my mind! It is so real to me! In my mind I have already seen it all. Quiet hugs, tender hugs, hugs where we are deeply gazing into one another’s soul; laughing teasing hugs. So when hopefully it finally happens, I would already know what to do, because I have seen it and rehearsed it in my mind so many times! (But then I guess the awkwardness would still come where his imaginings collide with mine; the challenge would be to smoothly reconcile what each of us have separately been dreaming of!) So then the danger is when you meet someone, you release yourself to those feelings and in that early golden period of knowing them you make official the romantic aspect of the interaction between the two of you before you have really had a chance to get to know them. So then the danger is that once you do get to know them, you find their behaviour so annoying or irritating that with all the will in the world you cannot look at them with much tenderness, or you are just not desperately impressed by who they are. So yes, this “two years” thing is possibly my biggest idea. I can’t stop going on about it because I want to be deeply impressed by my husband and I want him to be deeply impressed by me! Man, I dream of such a beautiful marriage, of tenderness and intimacy between us, and genuinely and sincerely holding one another in high regard. If I can’t stop shouting about the two year idea, it is (of course!) because I am desperately trying to convince my own self. It is simultaneously true that I want it so bad that I don’t want to have to wait for two years, and yet I want it so bad that forcing myself to wait for two years is the least I could do!
Hugs as Friendship?
As I was writing this post, a thought struck me: all this time I have thought that the hugs thing was romantic – but I’m thinking now as I write this that it was a yearning for friendship all along! That is, a yearning for all those positive feelings expressed in a gentle everyday way that would be appropriate for “friendship days” AND “romantic days”. It has long occurred to me that hugs are special because they bridge that gap between being friends and being romantically involved with one another. In and of itself there’s nothing overly romantic about a hug. However the kind of hugs that I dream of, where you are communicating countless unspoken things to one another in those brief seconds, and the very large number of hugs that I will require – (the poor guy’s not going to be doing anything else with his time!) – there’s just no way that I could go around hugging regular friends like this – it has to be reserved not even just for a fiancé, but an actual husband. Seriously! 🙂
Perhaps this just shows that even with all my introspection, I don’t even understand my own self that well.
You know another thought that occurred to me as I was writing this post? This one: I never feel the slightest pangs of wistfulness on watching other people get married. Never ever. Not even watching other people passionately express their romantic attraction to one another, whether that be by Public Displays of Affection or whatever else. Yawn!
However, there is one thing that does touch me deeply to the point of making me want to turn away: watching people sincerely express their friendship towards one another; goof around together or smile deeply into one another’s eyes. All this time I’ve been fixated on “romance” when my heart has actually been yearning for an earth-shattering friendship!
Finally, I have to state that I really need to write a “Thank you for your prayers post” soon. If I am right, and if you are reading this , “Certain Someone” and I am not just flattering myself (as usual) in thinking that I am feeling your prayers, I have to admit that it is big of you. As always, I thank you.