Even if you are not planning to conceive children within your casual sexual relationships, sometimes children have a way of being conceived anyway. Yes, it might be possible to abort unborn babies. However, if you happen to be the man in the relationship, then you might not get to ultimately make the decision, and the woman might decide to keep the baby anyway; if you are the woman, you might find yourself not actually being able to go through with aborting the baby, and you might elect to keep the baby anyway. This happens.
Let’s think here specifically about someone who has the specific goal of long-term sexual passion: why might it make sense for them also to refrain from sex before marriage? Let’s say you are not a Christian. Why might it make sense for you also to refrain from sex before marrying your partner?
Well in addition to the reasons I have already mentioned above, sex builds an emotional intimacy which makes it hard for you to exercise cool judgement about someone. As I recently said in another post (I believe): you know how people often complain about their crazy exes? – well if you got to know the person first, then you could find out they were crazy before going near them, and you could thereby avoid them. Furthermore, every time you sleep with someone else, you give away a little bit of the sexual magic that you could be storing up for your own marriage. It is perhaps a little like the difference between renting and owning a house. Every month you have to give money away to rent, you take away some of the money that you could be using as a down deposit on your own house, to get a bigger or nicer house. In many cases for many people renting is unavoidable. However premarital sex is avoidable.
Even if you intend to marry a particular person, the only time that you know for sure that you will marry them is when you actually get married to them. So there could be a whole series of guys or girls, and in each case you sincerely intend or expect to marry them…. but for whatever reason it just does not happen. And then when you do eventually get married, yeah, it’s great, but…you can’t help comparing him to each of your previous partners, or you can’t help remembering the heartbreak that accompanied each split previously, making your sex-life a bittersweet experience, or you are wondering which of his previous partners he is secretly imagining himself with.
I am going to try to think of even more reasons why any thinking person would choose to refrain from premarital sex, even someone who is greatly looking forward to sex (apart from Sexually Transmitted Diseases, I mean! – That’s a good reason, right there!)
To conclude right now, I am going to try to think of a way you could communicate to a future partner that sex is one of your big goals, and to try to find out if they are similarly inclined, without coming across in a bad way, and also without going too far ahead with someone who does not have the same goal. I think it will have to depend on the maturity of your friendship. By this time you would most likely want to have expressed mutual interest in one another, ideally you would already be discussing hopes for a relationship. So if your would-be spouse asks you what you want in a marriage, you could say something like:
“I believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage. I am extremely careful about acting with utmost purity with male friends before marriage. However, within marriage I am greatly looking forward to expressing physical intimacy with my husband.” (At this point my brown face is trying its hardest to go bright red! Actually, it’s not. I think that three years into writing this blog, I’m now beyond blushing!) And then you could say:
“It is very important to me that my spouse feel the same way. Do you?”
And then if he should say “No,” then you simply run! This is why you need to be such good friends, so that you can trust one another in these difficult and embarrassing conversations. Or maybe you could say the thing in a staggered way, saying a bit at a time, then waiting for a response from one another (for some reason my face is actually going red now, bizarrely!) And then you could sound one another out about these things: what is his stance on sexual purity now? How careful does he plan to be with other women? Perhaps you could get as far as saying:
“I’m really looking forward to….” before breaking off confusion, then wait for him to give an embarrassed nod, or series of nods in acknowledgement. Or you could try:
“This is so embarrassing. However, I want to make sure that we are on the same wavelength. The thing is I’m really looking forward to….no, no, really….no really…!!!”
Sometimes I find that being direct helps me to be less embarrassed. Also, for some curious reason, admitting that I’m embarrassed helps me to not be embarrassed!
“This is very embarrassing, so I’m just going to be direct. I’m actually greatly looking forward to sex.” And then you could wait for the ground to swallow you up (this saying, by the way, comes from an actual event in the Bible). However you do need to say it, and you do need to express just how important this is going to be to you, so that your partner is not under the slightest doubt whatsoever about this. And then you also do need to make sure that their desires are definitely compatible with yours. Perhaps you could say the same thing on a number of different occasions…
In a way, I wish I could assume that most couples managed to stumble their way to some sort of mutual understanding about this. However, the subject is so embarrassing that I’m sure that many couples don’t talk frankly about it before the wedding (or afterwards!), meaning that one or both parties ends up being greatly surprised…or embarrassed…or disappointed within marriage. Another danger to be wary of is that you might try to communicate this point through physical contact, and you go a little too far or if you are on the same wavelength, you get tempted to sample this thing before marriage.
I can’t imagine how embarrassing it would be if you were honest about yourself this way, and your would-be partner indicated that this was not their own goal in the same way. Oh, mortification! This I guess is one reason to go for someone who has been refraining from sex the same way you have been, so that they might be in a similar place of yearning to you!
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
And always be enraptured with her love.
20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman,
And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?
Photo of Strawberries by Hans on Pixabay